I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
