The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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