I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
