Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
