Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
