FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
