4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
