Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
