My room smells like vodka and shame
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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