You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
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I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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