I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
