I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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