I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
