I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
