My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
