Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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