my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
