Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
