That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
