I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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