i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
