so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
