i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize