I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
