I must be too annoying 4 u.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
