You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
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Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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