This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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