I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
