He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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