one might say we're banned from that church
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
