Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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