i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
