Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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