just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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