Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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