worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
