I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
