he wants to bone in the snuggie
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
