we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
