I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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