i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
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He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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