He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
