yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
