I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
