There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize