The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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