I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
