Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
