Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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