remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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