remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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