Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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