I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
