I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
