Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
