My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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