the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
