I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
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