dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
false alarm. still invincible.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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