Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
