I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
